Goodbye, my prince

It's been more than three months since we broke up, and although I do not subscribe to that 3-month rule shit, I think it has given us enough time to think - enough time to contemplate about what we need and what we merely want, what we can't live with anymore and what we can't live without. What makes us happy. No more breathing underwater. At least for me, I can stop holding my breath.

But I can't say I've completely healed. I understand that there will still be days that I'll go through cycles of hatred, longing, sadness. It will take more months. Years, even. But I hope not.

The scars you left will forever be there, reminders of forced emotional maturity. I know I'll thank you one day for this, but I only have indifference for you today.

Please give me space to breathe, to grow, to move on. I don't need you checking up on me to know how I'm doing. It's just confusing me, making me hate you even more. I don't need to know that you're here, that you are glad to accidentally see me. I can't welcome you with open arms yet. Give me time.

I have no idea how you are doing. I already blocked you in any social media account imaginable. I can only wish you are doing well.

Goodbye, my prince. You gave me unforgettable moments in my life. I will not bury the memories we shared - they will be forever treasured. But I need to make new ones, this time without you.

I don't need a new prince anytime soon, I'd only hurt them. I will just be unfair to them. I'm a big boy now. I can stand by my own two feet planted firmly on the ground. I don't need anyone to sweep me off my feet.

Goodbye, my prince.

Good bye, Dad.

Unanswered questions

Why did you leave? Why did you give up on us? I thought we had something special. Something we prayed for. Something we waited for all our lives.

How could you do this to me? Am I not enough for you? I thought you loved me. My strenghts, my weaknesses, my fragility? I don't deserve all this pain. I deserve better than this. I was supposed to give you everything I have. Everything I am. How could you not wait for me?

Who's kissing you now? Is there anyone in this damn world who can love you as much as I do? Can he love you with all his heart, accept everything you are? Your weaknesses, your fragility? I can. I still can.

When am I going to wake up and realize I have to live my life again? When am I going to accept that even if you changed your mind, things will never be the same?

Where will our paths cross again? Will I ever see you again? I hope not soon though. I can't bear to see you and not feel pain. Anger. Resentment. I hate you.

You see, I have a lot of unanswered questions in my heart. A lot more than you can imagine. Honestly, I don't want you to answer any of them. It would break my heart even more.

Only time can tell if I'll ever love again as much as I loved you. If I can ever learn to trust again.

Despite all my unanswered questions. I still wish you well. Please be well.

Gravity - Sara Bareilles

GRAVITY
Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free,
Leave me be.
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

Enter Drama

Yes, Ron and I broke up. Early December last year. Nothing new there, I think everybody knows by now. Had emotional breakdowns via social media so everyone pretty much has an idea. I promised myself though that as much as possible, I will be prim and proper and will not wash my (and my ex's) dirty linen in public. At least, I will spare the nitty-gritty details for myself and for close friends. And probably for people I'll never meet again. Hopefully.

I think for the past few weeks, I've been doing quite well. The new year celebration had been a welcome closure. It ended my terribly stressful 2013 and gave me hope for a better year ahead. Though honestly, 2013 had been a banner year for my career. I became a fixture in important corporate affairs meetings and activities in the company that even top management began to realize my contributions.

My family and friends are largely responsible for the bright outlook I've been sporting lately. They had been with me through every drunken stupor, every thankfully-foiled attempt to contact my ex, and every alcohol-powered buckets of tears I shed. Wallowing in sadness and self-pity is such an easy task, but family and friends do make sure you get up and out of that bottomless pit of sorrow and despair.

Yes, I am well. I've been doing my best to breathe in positivity every damn day. But there are times when a chill, a familiar pang of pain comes creeping in. And it's no longer because my ex abandoned me when I needed him the most. It's the feeling of emptiness that's been haunting me lately. Not as painful and heartbreaking as the first wave, but it lingers like the moon on a sunny day. You know it's there even when it's bright and dandy, and you'll eventually feel its presence when you're alone at night.

I know it won't last long and sooner or later, I'd be back up again. But while the feeling still lingers, I'll be writing here.

It's good to be back.